Most people I have counseled were in relationships that lasted a year or so before they decided to end it.
This is actually common. It occurs for several reasons: Fear of leaving something. Fear of being lonely. The guilt of hurting a person. Hope that it will get better. Not being sure if it is you, or if the connection is in fact fixable. Not wanting to be the one who finishes it. Thinking you can change somebody. Not needing to live with something which has”failed.” Kids. Not wanting to move outside or ruin the living arrangement. So many reasons. Plus it doesn’t matter if they’re legitimate or not. They’re all real.
So, then, just how can you know whether the relationship is truly over, and it is time to proceed? It is in fact. I have struggled with it so many times.
But here’s the truth: You may never actually, really know whether the connection is truly over. I have seen relationships grow from the dead. I have seen people who could not stand each other fall in love again. There are many facets in a relationship, controllable and uncontrollable, that come into play. There are so many internal shifts that can occur which are unexpected. There are revelations that happen daily that alter the dynamic and our choices. I know that I’m one of the most indecisive people I know.
So it is not about understanding if the relationship is really over. Because miracles happen. Anything’s possible. People today change. There is no relationship doctor who will predict outcomes with 100-percent certainty.
It’s about asking yourself this one simple question: Is the connection causing you to break up on your own?
First, let’s discuss what that actually means. Have you been losing yourself? Are you wondering about who you really are? Do you no longer enjoy yourself, respect yourself, or know yourself? Can you feel invisible and helpless, and don’t have any sense of who you are? Can you feel hollow? Before you reply, you need to ask yourself how many of these feelings are because of the relationship, and also how many are on you and where you’re at?
Many blame their relationship since they’re at a bad place in their lives. If that’s true, you need to own that and reconstruct yourself. As you do, the dynamic of the relationship will alter — or maybe it won’t, if another person feels complete. Bear in mind, you’re only 50% of any relationship, and that’s what makes understanding if it’s really over impossible.
On the flip side, if it’s your connection is causing you to break up. Then it is only a matter of time until you become so unhappy, it is over. There is a ticking clock, and for a few, depending upon your anxieties, your story, your definitions, and also so many different things, it could be weeks, or it might take a year.
However, it shouldn’t be a waiting game.