o what does codependency actually look like? Some of the things that have been found to correlate with codependency include (Marks et al., 2012):
- Low self-esteem
- Low levels of narcissism
- Familial dysfunction
- Low emotional expressivity
Other signs of codependency include (Lancer, 2016; Mental Health America):
- Having a hard time saying no
- Having poor boundaries
- Emotional reactivity
- Always feeling compelled to take care of people
- A need for control, especially over others
- Trouble communicating honestly
- Fixating on mistakes
- A need to be liked by everyone
- A need to always be in a relationship
- Denying one’s own needs, thoughts, and feelings
- Intimacy issues
- Confusing love and pity
- Fear of abandonment
Codependency Quiz & Tests
Of course, the simple presence of the above signs does not that mean someone is codependent. A high number of these signs indicate that it is possible that someone is codependent, though, and that it is worth looking into. One way to do this is with codependency tests, like these:
Friel Co-Dependency Assessment Inventory from Mental Health America of Northern Kentucky and Southwest Ohio
This PDF contains the Friel Co-Dependency Assessment Inventory as outlined in Friel (1985) and Friel & Friel (1987). The test consists of 60 true-or-false questions which are scored differently depending on whether they are a response to an even-numbered question or an odd-numbered question. The Friel Co-Dependency Assessment Inventory suggests that a score below 20 should be little need for concern, a score between 21-30 should be a moderate need for concern, A score between 31-45 should be moderate to the severe need for concern, and a score over 46 should be a severe need for concern.
Codependency Test from Hamrah
This test consists of 26 simple yes-or-no questions that can get one to start thinking about codependency in their own relationships. Answering yes to five or more questions indicates that the test-taker may be codependent. Of course, this is not a professional diagnosis, but it is a good way to start evaluating codependent behaviors in one’s own life.
Are You in a Codependent Relationship? from WebMD
This article from WebMD serves as a sort of open-ended quiz about whether or not one is in a codependent relationship. With input from psychologists, it offers up a few signs of codependent relationships to get the reader thinking about whether or not they are in one. This article also includes a few suggestions for people who are codependent.
Characteristics of Codependent People
A checklist by Melody Beattie, consists of over 200 items. It has been adapted into a shorter version, called the Beattie Codependency Checklist, which has been used in peer-reviewed research on codependency (Wells et al., 1999). There is no scale at the end which determines the taker’s level of codependency, as it is rather meant to contextualize a vast set of behaviors and thoughts into a codependency framework.
5 Books About Codependency
For people who want to learn more about codependency, here are some great books about codependence. These books are particularly helpful for people who fear they are codependent and want to overcome their codependency.
Lancer, D. (2015). Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
This book, from a licensed marriage and family therapist, can be an excellent introduction to codependency for people who do not know a single thing about codependency. The book is more aimed at people who think they might be codependent, though, as it includes a number of actionable tips one can take to break their codependence. This is a great book for people who think they might be codependent but do not know much about codependency in the first place.
Beattie, M. (1990). The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing.
This book, from codependency expert Melody Beattie, is not about codependency but is more of a handbook for people who are codependent. This book is full of daily meditations for people with codependency and focuses on self-esteem, acceptance, health, and recovery. This is a good option for anyone who knows they are codependent and wants to do something about it.
Weinhold, B.K., Weinhold, J.B. (2008). Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap. Novato, CA: New World Library.
This book, from two psychologists who are married to each other, is all about codependency and how to break out of it. The authors first discuss how codependency develops in people, and how one’s childhood can ultimately lead to codependency. The authors then focus on helping the reader out of codependency. This is a good option for anyone who wants to understand their codependency, not just how to fix it.
Sowle, J.J. (2014). The Everything Guide to Codependency: Learn to recognize and change codependent behavior. Avon, MA: Adams Media.
This book, from a clinical psychologist, aims to help people who think they are codependent. In it, the author helps the reader recognize signs of codependency in their own behavior (and the behavior of the people around them), then helps the reader work through their own codependent or enabling behaviors, as well as the codependent or enabling behaviors of their partner. This is a good option for learning how to recognize codependency in oneself, as well as learning how to identify and avoid codependent behaviors in the future.
Menter, J.E. (2012). You’re Not Crazy – You’re Codependent. J2 Publications.
Finally, this book is not from a clinical psychologist but is written by someone who has struggled with codependency in their own life. It aims to help people who have had traumatic experiences in their past figure out if some of their problems stem from codependency. Then, for people who are struggling with codependency, the book offers a variety of ways to overcome it. This is a good option for anyone who wants to figure out whether or not they are codependent, or anyone looking to overcome their codependency.
Codependency Treatment: 5 Codependency Worksheets
Books can be invaluable resources, but it can take some time to get through them. For people who want to start right away, here are some useful worksheets for learning about codependence, as well as treating and overcoming codependency.
This worksheet is a good option for a short introduction to codependence. While it is not as interactive as some of the other worksheets listed here, it does include a questionnaire to get people thinking about codependence in their own lives. This information sheet is a good starting point for learning about codependency.
Codependency from Mental Health America
This 6-page PDF serves as an all-in-one worksheet for codependency. It includes information on how people develop codependent behaviors, what codependency looks like a questionnaire that one can use to evaluate codependent behaviors in their own life and suggestions on how to overcome codependency. This is a great way to work through one’s issues with codependency and can also serve as an excellent resource to give someone struggling with codependency.
Codependency For Dummies Cheat Sheet
This resource comes from Codependency For Dummies, which is listed in the above section. It is not in a printable form but is still a valuable worksheet. It includes information on whether or not one is codependent, then offers solutions for focusing on oneself, relieving stress, and overcoming codependency. This is also a good all-in-one worksheet for people looking for more information on codependency.
Recovery Patterns of Codependence
This worksheet from Co-Dependence Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA) is a valuable tool for anyone recovering from codependency. The worksheet contrasts unhealthy ways that people with codependency think about themselves with healthy ways that people in recovery from codependency think about themselves. This worksheet is an excellent actionable way for people to change their thought patterns so they can recover from codependency.
Finally, this worksheet is a codependency checklist that includes some resources for further information on codependency, and some support groups for codependency. The checklist is not exactly a codependency test, as there are no “scores” at the end that tell the taker where they fall, but it is a good way to evaluate codependent behaviors and thoughts in one’s relationship. This is a good option for people who want to learn about healthy versus codependent thought patterns and behaviors.
Codependent Parents: Consequences for Children
Codependency was originally thought of as a disorder that affected the children and spouses of alcoholics and substance abusers. Research has shown that codependency is not unique to the children (or spouses) of alcoholics, though, as many types of family difficulties can lead to codependency (Cullen & Carr, 1999). In fact, having a codependent parent could potentially lead a child to codependency as well.
This is because people who have been “parentified” as children are more likely to be codependent (Wells et al., 1999). The concept of parentification refers to “the reversal of the parent-child role”, or when a child is forced to serve in a parental role towards their own parent because their own parent did not have their developmental needs met growing up.
Since these codependent children grow up not having their developmental needs met either, it is possible that this could create a cycle of codependency passed down from generation to generation.
Being codependent can be particularly harmful for parents of addicted children (Clearview Treatment Programs). Codependent parents of addicted children can enable their children’s addictions, even when they think they are helping. The fact that parents of addicted children are at risk for codependency shows how the concept of codependency has expanded since the original framework of it only affecting spouses and children of alcoholics or addicted people.
A Take Home Message
For years, the concept of codependency has been criticized for being ill-defined, and this has been underlined by the fact that is not recognized as a personality disorder by the DSM-5. Over the last few decades, though, the construct of codependency has become more well-defined and well-researched, as it has been fitted with an empirical base.
Most importantly, codependency has been recognized as a construct that affects people with all sorts of childhood trauma, not just the children or spouses of alcoholics or substance abusers. These developments mean that codependence is still a useful clinical concept, even if it is not a distinct personality disorder.
For people who are codependent, there are plenty of ways to overcome codependency. Aside from seeking professional help, there are all sorts of worksheets and books (such as the ones highlighted above) by people who have overcome codependency. The most important thing to remember is that while everyone has loved ones and feels responsible for those loved ones, it is crucial to not lose one’s individual sense of identity. After all, aside from parents of minor children, people can only ultimately hold themselves responsible for their own actions.
The original article is credited to psychology today