One of the most painful moments for a codependent is when he or she realizes that a relationship is not going to work out as imagined. Facing the end of a relationship is stressful for most people, and it is normal and natural to do whatever we can to keep a relationship going. But a codependent will typically go above and beyond what most people will do to help a relationship succeed, giving far more effort, time, energy, attention, and other resources than their partner does.
They often end up feeling angry, resentful, exhausted, lonely, and bitter. Sometimes they become martyrs, complaining about how much they’ve done and how little they are loved, appreciated, or getting in return. And every now and then they will do really desperate things to try to control the outcome.
When the relationship finally fails, they are overwhelmed with grief and guilt, and may spend a great deal of time obsessing about what they could or should have done differently. Sometimes they beg their partners to try again, or begin seducing them back with loving words or actions, or by being sexual or helpless. All of these behaviors are desperate attempts to get things to work in their favor.
Here are some of the things I’ve done to try to keep a relationship from ending:
- Begged or pleaded.
- Became inconsolable.
- Threatened my partner’s future by saying things such as “you’ll be sorry”; “you’re making a terrible mistake”; “you’re going to regret this”; and “you’ll never find anyone like me.”
- Tried to make my partner feel responsible for and guilty about my future by saying things such as “I’ll never be able to love again”; “I’ll never be happy again”; “I don’t know how I’ll go on”; “What will I do without you?”
- Became depressed (once I even became suicidal).
In the end it comes down to a lack of Self Esteem. It is an addiction in a sense and a recovery program is essential as part of treatment plan.